'Sex Education' Part 2

Well the kids have been at it again. When I say kids, I actually mean the boys...whose hormones are apparently running wild 24/7 these days. Just when I thought they couldn't throw any more surprises my way, they have delved into the depths of their creativity and come up with more priceless gems. Enough to warrant yet another entry dedicated to 'Sex Education'...

Lunch with the 3-2 class:
Mr Arai pointing to Mr Kaneta (tallest kid in school): 'He Mr Makkuro'
Miss Carla: 'What is Makkuro?'
Mr Arai: 'Very black. He very black'
Miss Carla (confused look on her face): 'What?!'
Mr Arai, now pointing at Mr Kaneta's crotch: 'He Mr Black. Very big!'

Cleaning time in the teachers room with the 3-2 boys:
Mr Toita (staring at the picture of the students on the wall)
Miss Carla: 'Mr Toita, do you have a new girlfriend? Who is she?!'
Mr Toita (grinning cheekily): 'Yes, Miss Carla my girlfriend'

Lunch with the 3-2 class (again...repeat offenders):
Mr Ishi & Mr Haginoya (pointing at their crotches): 'Do you like sausages?!'

During an English lesson with 2-3, learning 'what do you think?':
Mr Kataoka (to Miss Carla in front of the class): 'I love you. What do you think?!'
Miss Carla (giggling): 'I think you are crazy!'

Post English lesson with 3-2 Class:
Mr Ishi, Mr Haginoya & Mr Mashiko: 'Do you like Masuda Sensei?'
Miss Carla: 'Masuda Sensei is a very good teacher'
Mr Ishi: 'No, no, no...do you like Masuda Sensei'
Miss Carla (taking the bait): 'Yes, Masuda Sensei is very kind'
Mr Haginoya (using gestures): 'Do you like his body, or his face?!'*

*Masuda Sensei is roughly 5' 5" and is as wide as he is tall...

During an English lesson with 2-3, learning 'If'':
Miss Carla: 'It it's sunny tomorrow, what will you do?'
Mr Kataoke: 'I will go date in park with Miss Carla'

Every time I pass the group of 3rd yr soccer boys in the hallways at school:
Boys: 'Oppai'**
Miss Carla (shakes her head)

**oppai = boobs

Lunch with 3-4 class:
Miss Carla (watching Jun and Miss Nakazaki teasing one another): 'Jun, is Miss Nakazaki your girlfriend?!'
Jun: 'No, no, no! She crazy!'
Miss Carla: 'Do you have a girlfriend Jun?'
Jun: 'No, no, no. Miss Carla, will you be my girlfriend?!'

During 3-2 class:
Miss Carla (pointing to Mr Arai's character eraser): 'Who is this?'
Mr Arai: 'Keshikasu-kun'
Miss Carla: 'He is cute'
Mr Arai (grinning and pointing to Keshikasu-kun's case): 'Pull down, pull down!'
Miss Carla (pulling down Keshikasu-kun's case to reveal an artfully drawn on appendage, shakes her head): 'Not so cute'


Watching a group of 3rd year boys playing basketball one lunch:
Mr Mimura: 'Miss Carla, do you know how play sex?'
Mr Mashiko: 'Miss Carla, do you play sex?'
Miss Carla: 'Mr Mashiko, do you play sex?'
Mr Mashiko: 'No, no, no, do you know Cherry Boy?'
Miss Carla, giggling: 'Yes, I am pretty sure I know what Cherry Boy means. Are you a Cherry Boy Mr Mashiko?'
Mr Mashiko: 'Yes, I Cherry Boy. You Cherry Girl?!'
Miss Carla (shaking her head): 'I am not answering that!'
All the boys: 'Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh, Miss Carla not Cherry Girl!!!'
Mr Mashiko: 'How many you play sex?!'

During lunch break:
Mr Mashiko: 'Miss Carla, do you know 'Give blow'?'
Mr Kobayashi: giggles
Miss Carla: 'What? Oh...you mean 'blow job'?!'
Mr Mashiko: 'Yes, yes, yes. New English word!'
Mr Mashiko and Mr Kobayashi: run away

Bernie & Madonna's Excellent Adventure

As the title of this entry suggests...this was Bernie & Madonna's Excellent adventure...Bernie & Madonna being my parents and the adventure being a tour Japan with me for 10 days. The significant factor here being that this was the first time my parents have ever left Australia. Yes that's right...even their honeymoon was in Tasmania (not that there's anything wrong with that). Dad disagrees with me on this point and has been claiming that Norfolk Island is 'overseas' ever since we went there when I was 7. I don't care if it is technically across water, it is considered a part of Australia...much the same way Tasmania is! Besides, in my book, an island that gives way to cows definitely does not constitute a rich overseas experience.

I am not going to bore you with the details of where we went and what we saw. I am going to let the pictures...and my parents...tell the story of this trip. Their commentary on this trip can give you more insight into the 10 days than I could ever put into words...

'Gee, I'm good at this 'using chopsticks' business, aren't I?!' Says Dad as he stabs a vegetable on his plate and shovels it into his mouth.

'What's this stuff called again?'
'It's green tea/miso soup/cabbage/pickles Dad.'
'Yeah, I don't really like it.'
The following day...
'What's this stuff called again?'
'It's green tea/miso soup/cabbage/pickles Dad.'
'Yeah, I quite like that.'

'What's that connoisseur do?' Dad referring to the concierge at our hotel in Kyoto.

'Are these like chopsticks?' Dad picking up a pair of the wooden disposable chopsticks at a restaurant.
'Yes Dad, they are chopsticks'.
'I like them, they are wider than the ones you gave us, easier to use'.
'No Dad, you split them in half'.
'Oh'.

'How come the kettle takes so long to boil?'
'Because there is lower voltage in Japan than Australia.'
'Oh, So it's because of the low voltage then?'
'Yes Dad.'
'How long does it take to boil?'
'About 10 minutes'.
'Geez (thinking for a moment), so say if you want another cup then will it take another 10 minutes to boil?'
'No Dad, see the red light...that's when it's boiling. The orange light means it's boiled and the water is hot, so you can still use the water'.
'So not like kettles at home?'
'No Dad'.
(thinking again) 'So if you have a cup of tea, half an hour later the water will still be hot?'
'Yes Dad, it's like a thermos'.
'But say if you leave it overnight you would have to boil it again in the morning?'
'Yes Dad'.

While I had a shower one morning I sent my folks to get breakfast, exchange traveller's cheques and ask how much it would be to get their laundry done. They came back with food, money and no laundry...they had given it to hotel reception. I asked Mum how much it was going to cost...'I don't know'. 8 hours later the clothing was returned, all beautifully washed, pressed, tagged, individually wrapped in paper and plastic with an itemised bill adding up to ¥14,600 (AUD$200). Mum later noted when she put on her freshly laundered pyjamas that 'they didn't even look this good when I bought them!'

'So where did you say we are going tonight, to see the Geezers? '
'No Dad, the Geisha'.

'Gee my nails are growing long over here...I wonder why?' as Mum admires her nails, 'Maybe it's the green tea love?'
'I doubt it Mum'.
'They are growing like a house on fire!'

As we were walking through Shinjuku's red light district (by accident), 'Are we in the seedy area of Tokyo?' said Dad with a grin on his face.

'What's 'hello' in Japanese again?'
'Konichiwa Dad', for the 20th time.
'Konichiwa'.
'Yes Dad'.
'What's 'good morning' again?'
'Ohaiyo gozaimasu, Dad.
'So 'kitchener' is hello?'

Lastly...I recorded a sample of Dad's questions over a mere 2 days of the trip...read on if you are feeling strong...

How far is Narita from Tokyo?
Where are we now? (on the train somewhere between Narita and Tokyo)
So we take our shoes off at the door?
What is 1/10/50/100/500/1000/2000/5000/10,000 yen in dollars?
Will we see a bullet train?
Will we see Mount Fuji?
So does the Emperor live here? (while we were standing at the Imperial Palace)
So where is the Palace? (as we were walking through the Imperial Palace East Garden)
What's the population of Tokyo/Kyoto/Omiya?
How long will it take to get to Kyoto from Tokyo?
So is this building apartments?
How many stops are we going? (on the Metro)
So are we in Tokyo now? (asked in Asakusa/Shibuya/Shinjuku/Harajuku)
So is this building taller than Tokyo Tower?
Is this light beer?
Do the buses have seat belts?
Are the different coloured taxis for different companies?
What's for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
How do I work the shower?
What time is sunset?
Where is Portugal?
Where did you go in Barcelona?
Where is Heartbeat filmed?
Where did you live in London?
So can you read this? (pointing to Kanji)
What do you usually eat for dinner?
Where are we staying in Omiya?
Where is JJ from?
So we are north/south/east/west of Tokyo (station) now?
So I just write on the back and send it like this? (postcard)
Are we coming back to Tokyo?
What's this? (usually pointing to food)
So you went to Hiroshima?
How long did it take to climb Mt Fuji?
Is this the centre of town?
So you can email on your phone?
How old do you reckon he is? (pointing to a random Japanese man)
Are they homeless?
What did we say the population of Kyoto is?
Where did you turn these lights on?
I guess people get off the train where they work hey?
What time does the Shinkansen leave?
So do we board about 9 o'clock do we?
There'll be toilets on the train then?
Is this all still Tokyo?
The buildings just keep going don't they
Do we have to pay for food on the Shinkansen
Where are the toilets
So you don't know how fast we are going
When do we go to your place
When is the 27th
They put those rice fields everywhere don't they?
It's just like sugar cane isn't it?
Kids must be going to school now huh?
How do they harvest the rice?
Where is Osaka from here?
Do we get off at the next stop?
How much is it costing to stay here?
Do the cabs have automatic doors?
That's soy sauce isn't it?
Who else uses chopsticks apart from the Japanese?
I guess they have to cut up the steak for you since you can't cut it with chopsticks hey?
So will we be going out of Kyoto at all?
Can I get a map of the Tokyo Subway?
How did you find the hotel in Kyoto?
Did you look at a few different hotels?
So can you go back as many times as you like for more rice?
Do Japanese people eat out all the time?
Is that a cemetery?
Is this what Japan looked like way back when?
Do we need this ticket to get in?
What's it like travelling in Europe in summer?
Is it a dry heat there?
How far is it to Nara?
Is that near your place?
We didn't come up these steps did we?
This place would be pretty old wouldn't it?
Where's that Buddha? (we just walked past)
We must have walked a bit today did we?
So you have been here before haven't you?
So where did you stay?
Do you reckon this hotel would be booked out?
Do you think businessmen would come to work in Kyoto for a day then go back to Tokyo?
What's the winter like in Portugal?
How long can you hire those tuk tuk things for?
So are you moving to Melbourne?

Best quote of all came after my parents had returned to Australia and we were skyping for a catch up, 'It's a bit depressing being back home love...we might have to plan another trip!'

Tour de Japan

This year's Tour de Japan started on the 31st July, with four competitors meeting at the starting line in Tokyo to form our team: Jon, Kevin, Carlos and I. The course was set...22 days, 9 stages and a grand tour of Japan...

Stage 1: Tokyo, Flat Stage
Some casual sightseeing and a much anticipated day at Disneyland were the only challenges at this stage, providing an steady pace for the team for the start of the tour.

Ueno Park, Imperial Palace, Meiji Shrine and Harajuku were all visited so that our 'Tokyo Virgin' team member Jon could experience it all. The team was pleasantly surprised to discover we had also inadvertently timed our stay in Asakusa to coincide with the Samba Matsuri, complete with fireworks just metres from our hostel.


Tokyo Disneyland gave the team an opportunity to be kids again for a day and we embraced it. Big rides, gift stores, sweet stands and light shows were the flavour of the day and embraced by all.


When not embracing the big sights of Tokyo and wonders of Disneyland, the team found themselves locked in battle at the hostel...in the form of scrabble. While other tourist teams were out on the town, our determined group playing many a game in a bid to strengthen our minds as well as our bodies for the big race.

Despite all the fun in Tokyo, there was an early withdrawal from the race. Our team suffered a blow with Jon throwing in the towel a mere 3 days into the race. Unable to keep up with the peloton, the English lad bowed out of the race while Kevin, Carlos and I neared the second stage, and the most difficult, Mt Fuji...

Stage 2: Mt Fuji, Mountain Stage
This mountain stage...or as I like to call it the 'Death Stage' almost saw the end of the Tour for the remaining 3 team members. Blissfully ignorant and full of excitement, our Tour de Japan team boarded a bus from Tokyo to the Kawaguchi 5th Station in preparation for a night climb of Japan's most famous natural landmark, Mt Fuji.

This was by far the most difficult stage the team faced in the tour...and possibly our lives! The 5 hour race to the top was battled out with tour groups, seasoned climbers and of course other foreign travellers like ourselves. Success was ours though and despite Kevin falling victim to altitude sickness a few hundred meters before the summit we arrived before all but a handful of other climbers.


Our elation was short lived as we realised this now meant a 3 hour wait at the summit for sunrise in freezing conditions...with Kevin in a virtually comatose state. Never were 3 people more happy to see the first rays of light on the horizon as we were that morning.


Sadly Kevin wasn't the only one to fall victim to the harsh conditions during this mountain stage. I sustained a knee injury on the 3.5 hour descent which I then had to nurse for the rest of the tour...and which still plagues me now.

Many hours after sunrise we made it back to Tokyo and after a much needed soak at an onsen we boarded a night bus to Okayama and the next stage of the Tour.

Stage 3: Okayama, Rest Stage
This was supposedly a rest stage on the Tour after the horrors and lack of sleep incurred during the Mt Fuji mountain stage. Someone forgot to tell this to our fearless leader Kevin (AKA Dad) who had us scheduled in to do an entire day of cycling around the Kibi Plains, just outside of Okayama.

Granted he did give the team one day of reprieve where we took in Okayama-jo (Crow Castle) and the famous Korakuen (Park), but everyone knows that pain sets in on the second day. The day we spent 8 hours on the saddle of a hire bike cycling around in 35 degree heat. I now have a new found respect for competitors in the real Tour, how do they do it?!


Unlike the name implies, the Kibi Plains were not entirely flat and 'Dad' made sure we climbed every hill and burial mound in sight. The one saving grace that we were eternally grateful for was the comfort of our ryokan (Japanese style) hotel room for the short duration of our time in Okayama. This alone did allow for some actual rest during this stage.


Stage 4: Hiroshima/Miyajima, Water Stage
While this stage was not taxing on our team physically, it took its toll mentally and emotionally. A sombre mood descended on the Tour de Japan team as we neared Hiroshima, knowing full well the devastating history of the city.

Our team spent the day learning more about the atomic bombing of Hiroshima by exploring the Peace Memorial Park and surrounding area which was the hypocentre of the blast. The museum offered comprehensive and disturbing accounts of those effected by the A-bomb and left me feeling ashamed to be a part of the human race.


Despite all this, it was heartening to see how the people of Hiroshima have rebuilt their city and tried to move on from that horrendous day in their history. After the sad day in Hiroshima, our team retired to the seaside town of Miyajimaguchi in preparation for our exploration of Miyajima Island the next day.


Miyajima was spectacular and a welcome change of scenery for our team. In the blistering heat of summer the sight of water was refreshing and the giant Floating Torii made it all the better. The glorious orange beacon did not disappoint and despite Carlos having to stave off swarms of killer tick-deer, we had a wonderful day seeing all the other sights on the island too.



This put our Team in good stead for the next stage of the tour and one of the most anticipated, Kyoto.

Stage 5: Kyoto, Flat Stage
It needs to be noted here that on our way from Miyajima to Kyoto, the Tour de Japan team took a pit stop in Himeji. Sadly this was one of the most disappointing blows the team took on the Tour...a visit to Himeji Castle. Despite prior psychological preparation for what we were to witness, Kevin and I were still devastated to find the castle covered in scaffolding. Under renovation until 2015, it's fair to say that our team might sadly not see the castle in all it's glory again.


Kyoto proved to be an opportunity for our Team to take a travelling breather. Our team was going to split at the next stage for individual time trials and we had 5 days in Kyoto all told, so we took to a casual pace. It was also in Kyoto that I encountered my one break in the weather too...the only day of rain over the entire course of the 22 day race...a nice change from the constant heat and humidity.


Kevin, Carlos and I indulged in seeing two of Kyoto's popular attractions: Ginkakuji (Silver Pavilion) and Fushimi Inari shrine. The former was rather unimpressive as it was never completed and so despite its name, isn't actually silver. It's more famous cousin, Kinkakuji (the Golden Pavilion, which I saw with my parents a week later) is far more majestic as it actually lives up to its name. Fushimi Inari shrine was amazing though and our peloton enjoyed an afternoon navigating through the maze of orange torii on it's grounds.



There was a clear highlight to Stage 5 of the Tour though: geisha spotting in Gion. Our Tour de Japan team went into Gion with low expectations...knowing we were stalking a rare creature. I had actually forgotten our reason for going to the area when there in front of me appeared one of the illusive treasures! A Maiko (apprentice geisha) in all her white faced, red collared glory was shuffling quietly along the lane way with everyone clearing a path for her like she was royalty. She was the perfectly demure and elegant picture of a geisha that I had expected...we had seen one of Japan's 'unicorns'. If that wasn't enough about 10 minutes later we saw yet another...!


Stage 6: Osaka, Individual Time Trial
There is no 'I' in team, but there are the letters 'M' and 'E' and it was during Stage 6 I took some 'me' time. Leaving our peloton I headed off to Osaka while Kevin and Carlos stayed on in Kyoto for a few more days.

This individual time trial was a chance for me to get in touch with my inner 'archinerd' and fulfil one of my lifelong dreams; to do a pilgrimage to see the architecture of Tadao Ando. Sadly the Renovation Gods were out to beat me in this leg of the Tour so I sadly missed out on seeing my favourite of his buildings...The Church of Light. That said I still managed to see the Sayamaike and Chikatsu Asuka Historical Museums designed by the great man, thus achieving a personal best time for the stage.



Stage 7: Nara, Flat Stage
After my individual time trial, I met back with the team in Nara as we neared the end of the Tour and yet another one of my favourite sights in Japan.

Kevin decided to shun our team's uniform (i.e. whatever we most felt comfortable in) and spend the day in Nara kitted out in Japanese style...a Jimbei (a shorts version of a yukata) and geta (wooden thongs). Kevin was in his element but it was rather tortuous for Carlos and I, as his fellow team members...we had to deal with the clip clopping all day and the looks from the locals as if to say 'why are you with crazy?'!


Kevin's outfit aside, I can happily report that this stage saw me complete yet another personal goal...to secure my spot for enlightenment (again). In Todaiji's Diabutsuden, there is a column with a hole in it said to be the same size as Buddha's nostril. If you can climb through the hole, then it is said you will reach enlightenment. I managed to squeeze through when I was 16 and with the encouraging cries of 'gambare (do your best!)' and applause from the crowd I did it again!


Stage 8: Mt Koya, Medium Mountain Stage
Unlike the Mt Fuji Stage, this was a an enjoyable journey to the top of Mt Koya via the funicular railway. This put the team in high spirits to begin with...which were further elevated when we set eyes on our overnight accommodation...

The team enjoyed a wonderful night in temple lodgings, complete with monks and morning prayers. We had a whole 'wing' to ourselves and lapped up every minute of it. The highlight for Kevin, Carlos and I being the vegetarian meals we received...fit for a vegetarian King! I doubt I will ever experience tofu quite like that ever again.


When our team managed to drag ourselves away from our temple lodgings, we explored Mt Koya's Oku-no-in (cemetery), where I was in awe of the stunning Toro-do (Lantern Hall). This beautiful building houses hundreds of gold lanterns, including 2 which have been apparently burning for over 900 years. Sadly no photos were allowed and words can't do it justice...so you will just have to go and see it yourselves.


Stage 9: Tokyo, Individual Time Trial
This was the last stage in the Tour de Japan and another individual time trial as I farewelled Kevin and Carlos before departing to Tokyo. I had 4 days in which to complete this time trial before my parents arrival in Japan.


Much like my time other individual time trial in Osaka, I used this opportunity to indulge in more design. Tadao Ando was on the list again and I sprinted straight for the International Library of Children's Literature to see how my Japanese skills stood up to children's books. Impressed by both the building and it's contents I moved onto another of Ando's gems, 21_21 Design Sight, a gallery in the heart of Roppongi, complete with an exhibition about 'The Definition of Self'.



To round off my Tour de Japan, I detoured to Yokohama for a day to take in the sights of the port city and it's somewhat Old-World England atmosphere. Meandering through the streets, I watched the rides at Cosmo World, did some window shopping in Akarenga Soko (red brick warehouses converted into funky stalls selling hand made goods), saw silk worms at the silk museum and visited the very international Yamashita-koen area, complete with international cemetery, school and shops stocking Tim Tams!




Achieving personal best times in all stages, I completed the 9 Stage Tour de Japan on the 21th August...just in time for Bernie & Madonna's Excellent Adventure to start...