Riddle Me This...Teacher Me That...

What do you call the only teacher who isn't introduced at assembly?
Nothing, because no one knows their name.

What do you call the teacher who has more lessons a week than any of their colleagues?

Crowd control.*

What do you call the teacher who isn't given a set of textbooks to teach from?
A miracle worker.*

What do you call the teacher who doesn't receive schedules, timetables or isn't told when school events are taking place?
Clairvoyant.*

What do you call the teacher who gets the worst chair at school?

The bottom rung.*

What do you call the only teacher to get waves, smiles and air kisses from the students as they cycle past the teachers' room?
Students' pet.*

What do you call the teacher who only buys omiyage from half the trips they go on?
Smart.*

What do you call the only teacher who teaches all the students?

Intel.*

What do you call the only teacher without a computer at school?
A virus risk.*

What do you call the teacher who spends every non-teaching minute in the copy room?
The Laminator.*

What do you call the teacher who isn't invited on school excursions?

A liability risk.*

What do you call the teacher who gives out presents as a reward in English class?
'Very, very, very, very beautiful.'*

What do you call the teacher who isn't invited to enkais with the other teachers?
A social leper.*

What do you call the teacher who receives 20 declarations of love a day from their students?

The only blond in a 2km radius.*

What do you call the teacher who actually smells good?
The pheromone emitter.*

What do you call the only teacher who doesn't own or wear a matching brand tracksuit set to school every day?
Well dressed.*

What do you call the teacher who averages around 1000 photocopies a week?

A lumberjack.*

What do you call the only teacher not asked to participate in emergency evacuation drills?
Dispensable.*


*Answer may be replaced with 'Ms.Carla'

Gained in Translation

My presence in Japan can sometimes be likened to that of 'a bull in a china shop'. I of course always do my best to respect and uphold the cultural and moral ethics of the society I live in, but I will never fully assimilate into life here. I will not and can never be Japanese. The fundamental reason for this (apart from the obvious) is that I lack the ability to euphemise my words and carry out interpersonal relations with the polite distance Japanese people do.

Unlike the Japanese people I live amongst, I mean exactly what I say...and I voice my opinions often. So unfortunately, the Lost in Translation phenomenon works in reverse when applied to me. When Japanese people should be taking my words and actions at face value, they read into things so that meaning is Gained in Translation...


What I said: Nothing.

What the old Japanese man on the street heard: 'I am a devil, with blonde hair and blue eyes. I have come to invade your country and terminate the Japanese race.


What I said: 'I don't have a boyfriend, I don't want to get married and I don't want children.'

What my female students heard: 'I hate my life, I am so lonely without a husband and I desperately want children.'

What I said: 'I'm going travelling with a friend during spring vacation.'

What my teacher heard: 'I am filthy rich and I like to waste money on frivolous things like travel.'

What I said: 'I'm from Australia.'

What my students heard: 'I'm from America/Canada/England/Germany/France.'


What I say every day when I leave school: 'Osakinishitsureishimasu' (Sorry I am leaving before you).

What the teachers hear every day when I leave school: 'See you later suckers, I'm the foreigner so I'm outta here while you have to work another three hours!!!'


What I said: 'My company gave me a lease car to use.'

What my students heard: 'I bought a brand new car because I am so rich I have money practically falling out of my pockets.'

What I said: 'I don't drink milk or eat dairy products and I don't really eat red meat either.'

What my karate sensei heard: 'All westerners are vegetarian and none of us eat dairy products either.'


What I said: 'I don't really like Japanese pop music.'

What my students heard: 'I kill small, cute and defenseless kittens in my free time.'


What I said: 'I really like my school, my students and the teachers I work with. I want to continue working where I am, please don't let the Board of Education move me.'

What my boss heard: 'Pay me more money and I'll go wherever you want and do what ever you want.'

What I say: 'I'm cold.'

What the entire Japanese population hear: 'I'm not Japanese.'


What I said: 'I like tennis, but I can't really play that well.'

What the tennis girls think I said: 'Don't tell anyone, but I am actually a pro player training for the US Open this year.'


What I say: 'I do origami/taiko/karate.'

What the Japanese population hears: 'I love everything about Japanese culture and I want to live here the rest of my life!'

What I said: 'I'm studying for the N3 Japanese exam in June.'

What my principle heard: 'My Japanese is actually better than yours these days.'


What I said: 'JJ is just my friend. He's like a little brother.'

What all the kids at school hear: 'JJ is my boyfriend, we are madly in love and plan to get married tomorrow.'

What I said: 'I know, Yuji.'

What Yuji heard: 'I love you too, Yuji.'

Lost in Translation

The Japanese culture is one which elicits polite composure from it's people at all times, so that no one's 'feathers get ruffled' or no one 'rocks the boat'. People bow and apologise a thousand times a day for every little action or inaction they carry out, in order to ensure a peaceful and harmonious existence is upheld for all.

During my time in Japan I have been learning all about the complexities of the Japanese language. Since no one says what they are really thinking, I've been learning to interpret the subtext of the language too. Deciphering Japanese words, more often than not, also involves decoding the sentiments that aren't spoken...the ones that are Lost in Translation...

What all Japanese people say: 'Wow, your Japanese is amazing, you are fluent these days!'

What I hear: 'Most of the time I can sort of piece together what you are saying, but my cultural upbringing tells me I have to complement you on your (false) ability.'


What my teacher said: 'I'm sorry, the lesson is very full today, we don't have time for your warm up activity.'

What I heard: 'I really don't like your warm up activity, so I'm ditching it from the lesson plan.'


What my Japanese teacher said: 'I love your pink coat, it's really cute! Where did you buy it?'

What I heard: 'That's a really expensive looking coat, you must be rich. Please confirm this for me by telling me where you purchased it.'

What my student said: 'I like Linkin Park.'

What I heard: 'I am rare. I am your new favourite student. Teach me all you know about non-Japanese music.'


What the entire Japanese population says: 'Gambatte!'

What I hear: 'Build a bridge/open up a can of toughenup/get over it/grow a pair/kill 'em!'


What my teacher said: 'That student is...very...interesting.'

What I heard: 'That kid is weird.'

What my JTE said: 'You look very busy, are you doing English study?'

What I heard: 'It looks like you're slacking off, but you're writing in English so I can't tell for sure. Please stop it.'


What Japanese women say: 'I'm on a diet.'

What I hear: 'I have perfect Japanese genes and can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and never have to exercise.'


What the tennis teacher said: 'Here is some omiyage for you.'

What I heard: 'I'm so sorry I went to hospital for two days because I was so sick I couldn't walk or eat, while you had to stay here and work.  I hope this cookie goes some small way toward making amends for my sins.'

What a Japanese person said: 'I can't speak English at all.'

What I heard: 'I can speak and understand far more English than you'll ever know.'


What the boys at school say: 'You smell bad!'

What I hear: 'You smell good and I don't like it.'


What a Japanese person says: 'Really, you have a tattoo?!'

What I hear: 'Really, you have a tattoo, you joined the Yakuza and you're involved in an organised crime ring in Japan?!'

What a Japanese person says: 'sumimasen.'

What I hear: 'Get out of my way/my bad/heads up/coming through.'


What a Japanese person says: 'I love AKB48!!!'

What I hear: 'I am a disgrace to the human race and should never be allowed to procreate.'


What my JTE says: 'Oh, you've finished making that work sheet already? Great!'

What I hear: 'You've finished making that worksheet already?! You were supposed to drag out the task for three days...now I have to think of something else for you to do, grrr.'

What any Japanese person says: 'Oh, you're 30, unmarried and don't have children?'

What I hear: 'Oh, you want to kill yourself because your life is so empty and unfulfilling?'
 

What Yuya says: 'You are very, very, very beautiful!'

What I hear: 'C'mon, pleeeeeeaaaaaaase give me a rubber super ball!'


What Kevin said: 'I drink Calpis.'

What I heard: 'I drink cow p#ss.'