Engrish...The Good, The Bad, And The Downright Hilarious

'Engrish' is the affectionate/hateful term used to describe the hybrid language that bridges the gap between English and Japanese here in Japan. In the Engrish language, the absence of 'th', 'l' and 'v' sounds means words like zese (these), rion (lion) and bideo (video) exist to confuse native English speakers. In addition, Engrish is teeming with bizarre sentences where verbs/nouns/adjectives etc can be found in any given order, on any given day of the week.

Engrish is the bane of my existence in Japan...it has infiltrated every part of Japanese society, from stationery, to clothing and billboard signage...and of course, the schools...




My school, Omiya Chugakko, is no exception. This was made abundantly clear today as I marked the 3rd Year English exams and fell into a pit of despair at the frequent appearance of Engrish. As it seems I am failing at teaching Japanese kids English, I thought I might try my hand at teaching you some Engrish...here are some examples I prepared earlier:

3rd Year
Masuda Sensei: 'I have lived here since twenty-three'
Carla Sensei: 'I have lived here since two thousand and three'
Students: 'I have lived here since two thousand-three'

Semi Fail.

2nd Year
Carla Sensei: 'This is my cat. We call her Abby.'
Omori Sensei: 'What does she call it?'
Students: 'She calls it Abby'

Fail.

1st Year
Carla Sensei: 'a-a-ant'
Kurosawa Sensei: 'au'au'aunt'
Students: 'au-au-aunt'

Epic Fail.

In these instances I take a deep breath and remind myself that my Japanese probably sounds infinitely worse than the kids' English...those in glass houses right? In any case, as ALT's we are rather powerless to correct our JTE's and therefore have to grin and bare the situation in the Japanese way.

It's not all bad though and sometimes the empire strikes back! Engrish makes for some very entertaining moments in class when it isn't cringe worthy...

1st Year
Kurosawa Sensei: 'Which dog is mine?'
Student (in Japanese): 'When are we ever going to use a sentence like that?'

Semi win.

3rd Year Advanced English
Carla Sensei: 'Lets talk about music. Sekine, do you play a musical instrument?'
Sekine: 'Yes I do, I play guitar. Ijima, do you play an instrument?'
Ijima (comic genius, just tuning into the conversation): 'I like curry rice!'
Everyone (including Carla Sensei): giggles.
Carla Sensei: 'Ijima, do you like music?'
Ijima (high from the victory his previous joke): 'I like curry rice!'

Win.

2nd Year
Carla Sensei: 'Please write a question to ask the baseball player'
90% of Students: 'How many balls do you have?'

Epic Win.

'My Lunch Had Eyes'

It would seem it was a week of firsts for food and Origami Carla this week. The lunch ladies were relentless and didn't wait for my natto experience to become a distant memory before dishing up a new delight for me...

Lulled into a false sense of security at having met and completed my 'Natto Challenge', I sat down to lunch today full of confidence that we would once again be returning to our usual food program. Ha!

I grabbed up my chopsticks and looked down at my tray...only to find my salad looking back at me!!! My lunch had eyes...many, many eyes. There in my salad were perfectly formed little fish, looking at me, their sad little black eyes begging me not to eat them. According to Genki Sushi these little guys are called shirasu (whitebait) and they had made the ultimate sacrifice to be my next meal.


I dipped into the stockpile of 'toughenup' I had used the day previous in my 'Natto Challenge' and with a shaky hand I braced myself and my taste buds for what was coming. I dug into the sea (pardon the pun) of small white critters and downed a mouthful. I was just as surprised as the other teachers to discover I actually quite liked the taste! I could give an honest 'oishii' (delicious) answer when asked my thoughts on the salad by the other teachers...which was well received.

Living in Japan has definitely given credence to the term 'mind over matter' for me as I explore all sorts of crazy new food. However while I did like the taste of my 'eyeball salad' I would prefer (to quote my lovely vegetarian friend Ella) for my food 'not to have a face'.

Natto Challenge

This was the day I had been dreading...the day in every ALT's school life where natto appears on the school lunch menu...

I was sitting quietly at my desk in the teachers' room when I heard the first whispers from the lunch ladies...had I heard correctly? Did they really say natto? Perhaps I was imagining it? But the whispers became statements and statements became exclamations at the other teachers trickled in and saw what was on their lunch trays.

So it was true, this was to be the moment of truth...my first natto experience...and in front of an audience. As I held the little plastic cup in my hand and inspected the label, the teachers sensed my trepidation. They quickly confirmed that I was indeed holding natto in my hand and of course they then asked the inevitable...do I like it?

Confiding in the them that I had never tasted natto before, Shib Sensei in a show of solidarity, pushed his natto aside claiming a strong dislike of the stuff. Of course that didn't stop him encouraging me to try it...setting me a 'natto challenge'. Challenge being the trigger word in teaching language to get the kids to do something they don't want to do. Well hey, I am a competitive person and since Shiba Sensei threw down the gauntlet...

For the record, before I give my opinion of natto, it is described in my Lonely Planet Culinary Dictionary as 'sticky, fermented soy beans'. Mmm, appetising thought. The teachers demonstrated the natto eating process for me- add soy sauce and mustard and 'stir 100 time'. I did as I was told and while I could get past the smell my natto cup contents now looked like something out of 'Alien'.


Reminding myself that I was a grown woman, I quickly dipped my chopsticks into the gooey, smelly, stringy mess and shovelled some in my mouth (quick like a band aid right?!). My audience seemed suitably impressed with my 'daijobu' (ok) response to the mouthful after I fought my way through the spider web to speak. I am pretty sure they were expecting an automatic gag reflex. They went back to their own lunches and I had one more scoop of natto before politely sliding it to the side of my tray and hiding it under some rubbish.

I had survived my first natto tasting and while it wasn't the worst thing I have ever experienced I still passed on Shiba Sensei's kind offer to give me his unwanted tub of 'sticky, fermented soy beans'.

Carla Sensei Has Good Legs

At the end of week 8 in Japan, life is falling into a pattern. School days are regular and there are 5 of them each week from now until mid-July. After a chaotic first few months here, this scenario pleases me greatly.

Having said all that, life here of course is never boring and I find myself encountering the bizarre and humorous every day. This week has been no exception...

I have now become immune to the boys at school declaring their love for me and calling me 'beautiful' any chance they get. Perhaps this is to my own detriment as they are forced to think up new and creative ways to get my attention and surprise. I should have known that the little buggers would go to great lengths to illicit a response from me, long after I thought the novelty had worn off.

Today I was asked out on a date...to the movies...by a 13 year old boy. Trying to stifle my giggles, I was mildly impressed at Mr Oga's audacity to ask me in the middle of class, with Omori Sensei within earshot. Thankfully his buddies showered him enough heroic praise to divert his attention from actually requiring a response from me. I quickly made my escape from the classroom as the bell went, hoping he wouldn't seek another opportunity to ask me.

Grateful to have dodged that potentially awkward moment in my last class of the day, I jumped on my bicycle and high tailed it out of there. But of course I wasn't getting away that easily! As I peddled past a group of boys near the front gate I clearly heard one say to his friend, 'Carla Sensei no ashi ga ii desu'. Translation? Miss Carla has nice/good legs. I am looking into exchanging all the skirts in my wardrobe for pants...

'Bamboo...Are You Sure?'

Today I was given a rhinoceros horn. Or at least something that looked a heck of a lot like a rhinoceros horn...

I was in my blissfully ignorant iPod world, stretching for a run outside my flat, when a car pulled up in the road in front of me. A woman emerged and started transporting various items into my neighbours house across the road. I continued stretching and was surprised when the woman started heading in my direction...carrying the said horn.

A brief exchange followed...she asked if I ate the item in her arms...of course I said yes in the Japanese way, not wanting to be rude. At which point I became the new owner of the 'horn' which was apparently edible.

To try and clarify the matter I photographed the rhinoceros horn (with keys thrown in for scale) and presented the photo to Mieko at our Japanese class that evening. Mieko confirmed that the 'horn' gift giver was not mad and the item was in fact bamboo.


'Bamboo? Honto desu ka? (are you sure?)'.

Mieko, brushing aside my gaijin ignorance of all things to do with Japanese farming and explained further: 'It is part of the root of the bamboo tree'.

'Ah, ok'. One more piece of the puzzle in place, 'What do I do with it?'.

'You eat it'. Yes, of course.

'Right. Umm, how exactly?'.

'You peal it, cut it up and boil it'.

'Okay...'.

At this point I realised my stupidity for taking this gift from a complete stranger for 3 reasons:

1. I don't own a knife big enough to make a scratch on this thing, let alone carve it up into small pieces like a murdered carcass.

2. Even if I could, somehow, in my shoebox of an apartment cut up the horn, I don't own a pot to boil the bamboo in.

3. Say by some chance, factors 1 & 2 weren't in the equation, I would have to give the cooked bamboo to every person I know in Hitachiomiya and I would still be eating it for a month!

So after weighing up my options, only 1 question remains...how do I dispose of it?

Team Tokyo: Day 5: Asakusa Again

Wednesday saw the disbanding of Team Tokyo and the end of our 5 day break. It was every man for themselves and Kevin and I took the opportunity to return to Asakusa for another look.


Kevin graciously bit his tongue and let me indulge in some more shopping (fans, omiyage and prayer beads) and sweets (ice cream) before finally getting McDonald's (don't judge me in a country of rice) that I had been craving since my sleepless night.

Now satisfied that I had squeezed all I could from this visit to Japan's capital, Kevin and I briefly took in Phillipe Starck's Asahi Beer Hall before meeting back with Belinda. All that remained was a 2 hour bus ride back to Hitachiomiya for school the next day...

Team Tokyo: Day 4: Ginza

As predicted, running only on 2 hours sleep, day 4 was a strained one for me. Sadly I endured our day in Ginza rather than enjoyed it, which is disappointing as everyone else seemed to have a great day!

The day started rather painfully at the Tsukiji Fish Markets around 11am. The unmistakable stench of the sea wafted under our noses as soon as we set foot off the train, letting us know we had reached our desired destination. Quite why I desired to be there was a little beyond me at this point and I knew it was going to be a long day.



While we thankfully agreed to skip the 5am fish auction (despite the fact I was awake in time to go), the place was teeming when we arrived. The markets and surrounding streets were completely rammed with people...leaving us feeling like sardines in a can (pardon the bad pun...it must be one of Matt's). Our time in Tsukiji was brief, staying only long enough for me to confirm that Japanese people are the most patient people on earth. Even more so when it comes to food. There were people lined up outside the Tsukiji sushi restaurants for blocks...waiting to dine on the freshest fish in that morning. Not being a huge seafood fan myself I really couldn't grasp the passion...


We made our way to Ginza and left the fishy memories of Tsukiji behind in search of all things Japanese...Hashi (chopsticks) and Ochya (green tea). While I was somewhat distracted looking for my next caffeine hit, Team Tokyo meandered through the streets of Ginza in search of a tiny hashi shop at my demand. One might think this a straightforward task with a guidebook in one hand an an iPhone in the other...well you would be wrong!

Confusing even the locals with our request, we were about to give up on the seemingly futile mission when Matt came to the rescue! Matt recruited the aid of 2 unsuspecting heroes: parking ticket inspectors who happily took on the challenge of directing our group of gaijin to the Natsuno hashi shop. They in fact took the task so seriously that they escorted us personally! Bless! We weren't disappointed by the small store either...most of us came away with some kind of acquisition from the expedition.


To further our Japanese experience, next was a 'tea ceremony with a twist' at Cha Ginza. Once again, if I had been in top form I would have loved this...a contemporary tea ceremony in a modern, architecturally designed tea house. There were plenty of kimono clad women shuffling about among the gaijin and while it was not a traditional 4 hour ceremony (thankfully!), we certainly got a taste...literally...of the ritual.

I was prepared for what was awaiting us on the 3rd floor of this seemingly innocent tea house...I still have vivid memories of my first tea ceremony 12 years ago! It was that first experience of the thick, frothy, whipped green tea powder that led to my abstinence from the stuff until quite recently.

Well this time was no less torturous...in fact, probably worse. In addition to the frothy brew we first had to consume a shot (seriously...1 sip, 2 sips, shot) of what I can only describe as green paint: in colour, texture and taste. If someone put Kermit in a blender I am pretty sure the result would be what was in my bowl...



The only saving grace was that we were also dished up a sweet green tea biscuit and a 'normal' green tea at the end of the ceremony to cleanse the palette. I hear that green tea is rich in antioxidants and good for the metabolism...if that's the case then that one tea ceremony will ensure I am healthy and skinny for the next year!!!

Post green-tea-infused Team Tokyo split for the afternoon, planning to reconvene at the hostel later on. Matt had recruited the unsuspecting Japan National and Tokyo resident Nobu to escort our pack on a night out.

We rendezvoused with Nobo in the student area of Tokyo, near Takadanobaba station to get the night started. I really liked the vibe of the area...a little more chilled than some other parts in Tokyo and populated with a mixed crowd of uni students. Nobu found us an Izakaya to bunk down in for a few hours...the 7 of us getting cosy in a booth and sharing some very yummy food. Here I was also introduced to Umeshu...plum wine, yum! Nobu was treated to Nikki in fine form and in return he ensured our plates and cups were never empty. We ate, drank and joked, enjoying our last night in Tokyo in Japanese style.

The only thing left on the agenda was karaoke to complete our night out. Nobu of course supplied us with just the venue and we had the opportunity to belt out a few tunes at the top of voices. The highlights for me were Kevin's rendition of Metallica's 'Fuel' and Helen and Nikki giving us 'Under the Sea' with spectacular enthusiasm! I too got into the act and the crowds were wowed (read: mortified) when I offered up a husky Justin Timberlake's 'Sexy Back'. While I shouldn't give up my day job for a singing career any time soon, I was pleased that the day ended well after such a fishy start...

Team Tokyo: Day 3: Shibuya, Akihabara, Roppongi

Team Tokyo gained 2 new members on Monday...Matt and Jennika. I say gained, but then the team actually split for the day and ended up playing tag team across Tokyo. Nikki and Matt set off in the direction of Akihabara to quench Nikki's thirst for a 'maid cafe' experience while the rest of us stuck to Plan A and went in the direction of Shibuya.

We were in Shibuya for 2 reasons; 1. to witness/experience the spectacle that is Shibuya Crossing...the world's busiest pedestrian crossing and 2. to shop.

As a self-confessed 'people-watcher' I found the former fascinating, albeit tame due to the timing of our visit. To experience the full madness of Shibuya Crossing you have to be there during peak hour on a week day...I am saving that for a special occasion...


The latter wasn't too bad as shopping goes (given my low tolerance for the activity). We saw the weird and wacky with the likes of a face massager and tomato flavoured breath mints at ranKing ranQueen and Tokyu Hands supplied us with items of...well...just about everything you can imagine, including an awesome selection of sunglasses!



In a country where fashion seems to be stuck in the 80's/90's (think Blossom meets New Kids On The Block), I was surprised to find Tokyo housing all my favourite clothing stores...H&M, Gap, Zara and Uni Qlo are all here! Having said that, the biggest challenge would actually be finding something in my size on the racks.

The most thrilling for me is the plethora of stationery stores this country has to offer and Tokyo was no exception. It has become abundantly clear in my short time living in Japan that this country runs on paper so it's really not surprising to discover that they have an envelope, clip, pocket or pen for every possible stationery emergency you might find yourself in. For someone like me, the experience of the stationery store 'Loft' in Tokyo left me speechless with happiness and of course with a sizable hole in my wallet!

Post 'Loft' and lunch we decided on a change of scene (before the boys became shopped out) and made our way to the other side of town to meet with M&N (as they will now be called) in Akihabara. Akihabara is know for a few things; it is the electronics district of Tokyo, houses innumerable games arcades and manga/comic stores and as M&N discovered, very expensive maid cafes!

While the pair were fondly referred to as 'Master & Princess' during their short time in a maid cafe, their narrow escape from an expensive bill left them a little disillusioned by the event and wanting to bust out of Akihabara. So they did, leaving the rest of Team Tokyo so experience the sights and sounds of the area.


When I say experience, I should really say that our senses were assaulted. All of them. Repeatedly. From the smokey, loud and bright games arcades where we failed to procure photo stickers to the overpopulated footpaths...every sense copped a beating. Needless to say we didn't last long in Akihabara, stopping only for a caffeine hit and to discover 'Pan in a Can' (bread in a can) at the Tokyo Anime Museum. Random, yes. Japan, yes.

Team Tokyo reunited back at base camp to prepare for a night out. With the group of gaijin together again it seemed appropriate that we head for Roppongi, renowned for being the preferred location for foreigners in Tokyo. Tokyo Tower was first on the agenda, promising views of the city in it's night time glory.


The natives (or in this case, the gaijin) were restless standing in queue for tickets. With Helen and I the only ones to have experienced English queuing, the others thought the 30 minute wait felt like a lifetime...especially on an empty stomach! Thankfully a crepe stand was situated nearby and the Japanese queuing system works far more efficiently than the English one (no surprises there).


A short time later we all had our profile pics snapped at the summit of the tower and were feasting on dinner, planning our next move. With a few karaoke virgins in the group, we decided it time to pop their cherries! Sadly Roppongi didn't come through with the goods though and we somehow ended up in 'Bar Milwaukee' dancing for a few hours before splitting to catch the last train.

I found myself back at the hostel and unable to sleep after the night out. Only fetching 2 hours rest I suspected day 4 would be a rough one...

Team Tokyo: Day 2: Harajuku

I was awoken at 4.30am to the giggles of 2 girls wearing cat ears outside my coffin curtain...Nikki and Helen...back from their night out. Helen suggested (not surprisingly) that we should start the day without them and they would follow later after lunch. So at a reasonable hour later that morning, Team Tokyo minus 2 headed to Harajuku...

As it was a glorious day, Kevin, Nick, Belinda and I walked to Harajuku and were in no doubt when we hit it...and the wall of people. We braved the crowded Takeshita Dori and surrounding area to take in some of the offbeat shopping options (read: Condomania) until Helen and Nikki rejoined our group and we ventured towards Yoyogi Park.

Now Gwen Stefani songs and popular culture would have us believe that Harajuku is teaming with disgruntled youths decked out in outrageous fashion. Well either these kids took Golden Week off, we were there at the wrong time of day or the hype is overrated! There was the odd costume clad 'cosplay' teen but in all honesty I have seen crazier sights in Soho on a Saturday night...



Not discouraged by the lack of cosplay kids, Nikki picked up some 'free hugs' from strangers heading into the park and even pimped herself out to the general public for while (pleasing the locals immensely). Having had her fill of hugs for the day, we then made our way into the heart of Yoyogi Park to see a different kind of Japanese spectacle: Meiji Shrine. I have seen my fair share of Japanese temples, but even now I still enjoy the sense of peace that comes from the rituals performed at these sacred Japanese places of meditation and worship. The cleansing, the incense, the bells, the donations, the prayers/wishes always fill me with a sense of purpose, even though I don't practice Buddhism. I guess it engages me on the level that all Japanese rituals do...that it is the process that counts, not the end result. The practice, not the product.



I should note here that all this peace and serenity was completely counteracted by the bet Kevin and I had made...to see who could be nice for the entire day...with Nick and Belinda as judges. We were on our best behaviour (which isn't saying much) from 9am til 6pm and in honesty, by the end of the day I didn't care who won the bet, I just wanted to be myself again! Those 9 hours of enforced niceness almost killed me. If I was the introspective sort I would probably think it time to address my wicked ways. But I am not. So moving on...

At this point a slightly weary Team Tokyo decided (stupidly?!) to follow their fearless leader into the shopping district of Harajuku for what can only be described as an 'architectural witch hunt'. Remnants of my past life as an interior designer will stay with me forever, including (sadly for my fellow travellers) my love of Tadao Ando's architecture.

So we went in search of Cat Street and an illusive Tadao Ando designed store (which I have now discovered is actually the Nike store)...which, I quote: ' With its prism-like exterior, clad in black, is the most recognisable building on the Harajuku Cat Street promenade, with some likening it to the stealth bomber'. I need back up here team, did we see anything of the sort?! To steal a line from Kevin...Pro Tip: Cat Street is one of the longest streets in Harajuku and the Nike Store does not stand out as it should! The failed mission was not entirely without reward though as Cat Street had a plethora of amusing and quirky stores and we did manage to find a crepe cart: major win.


From here it was onwards and upwards to Kiddyland (under the pretence of 'research' for school). I was there in the hope or raising my street cred with the kids by investing in some serious stationary bling. Snoopy Town, Hello Kitty and Lego Land didn't disappoint and I came away with a stash of goodies...including my very own little Lego Japanese man.



The evening's activities were uneventful...dinner at Shakeys for 'the best pizza in Tokyo' and back to the hostel to watch the awful movie The Bounty Hunter. While the movie had little entertainment value, I derived great amusement out of Kevin falling asleep beside me. Call me childish, but as Kevin's head drooped and his breathing became louder I could not contain my giggles and was amazed that he slept through Helen's paparazzi camera flashes immortalising the event. I am fairly sure he would have slept through the 'growth' of an instant moustache too, if only someone had given me a pen...

Team Tokyo: Day 1: Asakusa

Team Tokyo Players
Kevin (Canadian, based in Kamisu)
Helen (English, based in Joetsu)
Belinda (Australian/Kiwi/English/confused based in Kamisu)
Nick (American, based in Hitachiomiya)
Nikki (American, based in Hitachi)
Matt (American, based in Hitachi)
Jennika (American, based in Kamisu)
Nobu (Tokyo local, friend of Matt)

Saturday morning Nick and I left the comfort and relative safety of life in Hitachiomiya to rendezvous with a few of our fellow ALT's to celebrate 5 days 'without the kids' in Tokyo. As the oldest of the group and a self proclaimed organisation freak I found myself detailing the where/what/whens (doko/nani/itsus) of the trip while the others (especially the boys) seemed happy enough to be shepherded around in a somewhat orderly fashion.

Our first day in Tokyo started around lunch time with the depositing of bags at the Ace Inn Hostel and Nick and I meeting with Kevin, Belinda and Helen to get things started. A quick phone call to Nikki established that our American friend hadn't departed home yet and would be joining us later on. So the first 5 members of Team Tokyo trundled off to negotiate our first Chikatetsu (tube/subway/train) journey in Japan's capital. It was almost a success...we just got a little excited at our arrival and got carried away talking so went a few stops too far!

We mended our ways (thanks to Helen's enquiries) and soon arrived at Asakusa to take in the awe of Nakamise Dori (a street filled with stalls of food and Japanese wares) that leads to Senso-ji Temple. We shuffled along with thousands of other visitors to reach our destination. We survived the heaving crowds, took our happy snaps and lamented that the main temple is under renovation...and therefore under scaffolding. The story of my sightseeing life.


In a mild state of depression and desperately needing sustenance at this stage, we grabbed a late lunch and indulged in a slightly odd but tasty Japanese treat (well at least us girls did...Nick and Kevin just watched in amusement!). What I can only describe as 'fish shaped waffle sandwiches' were purchased with preferred fillings...green tea, chestnut and custard cream...and consumed rapidly. At this point a check in with Nikki revealed she was on a train...somewhere...not in Tokyo...and that we should carry on without her.


So we did. We ventured back to our hostel to check in and investigate the 'capsule' style living arrangements for the next 4 nights. I think Kevin rather aptly likened the capsule arrangement to a 'timber morgue'. The good thing about hostels is that you are really only there to sleep...having said that, I am not sure I will be returning to Ace Inn any time soon! After mooching about in our coffins for a while we were joined by Nikki and the collective decided on a civilised ramen dinner followed by a spot of shopping in Shinjuku and a few quiet drinks. Not satisfied that the night was over, Nikki and Helen hit the town afterwards while the rest of us preferred the option of sleep...